Friday, November 27, 2009
~ 04:46:00 ~
Chocolates I won’t deny the fact that I missed you so much. You are persistently floating around in my mind aimlessly. My love for you is true and I will always love you. I love you so much, my angel. My angel always will you become.
I hope you were doing just fine up there, in the heavens. I hope the sun keeps shining still. I hope the warmth never dies out on you. You are beautiful, and will always be. You come in many shape of fantasy, but your heart is always the same. And for that, I will always continue loving you.
So my love, I have been watching these two movies lately. Forrest Gump and My sister’s keeper. Both movies were very sad, love. They do continuously make me think of you.
Forrest Gump is a story of this IQ-challenged man’s life. He had this girl named Jenny, who he loved for the whole of his life, literally. He went to war, became American team for football and table tennis, became a sailor and ran for three years. It’s sad when Jenny had to die. Imagine living the rest of your life without your one true love. The love you have loved for the rest of your life. I feel his pain, as he cried on Jenny’s grave. It’s like I do know what he feels, having to lose so much.
My sister’s keeper on the other hand is just depressing. It was depressing the moment they narrated the introduction and all the way to the end. It’s very sad. Imagine living your life in pain, the moment you were born. Imagine being brought to this life and the purpose of your existence is to be spare parts for your sister. That’s the story of Anna and Kate. Two loving sisters, where one had cancer.
Imagine living your life, when you know that there might not be a tomorrow for you. You could literally just die there.
Imagine living your life, when you know that the moment you sleep, you may wake up knowing your loved ones died.
These two movies have thought me a lot dear. They have indeed waked me up from these nightmares. And made me taste the sun’s rays again. The grey clouds had finally given way to the rays from the heavens, from you.
Where have you been? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Do come visit me in my dreams alright? I missed our little adventure we had. Missed those times we would just lie down on the grass. Gazing deep into each other’s eyes, and just be grateful I have you. I missed those times you hugged me, and how I wished you wouldn’t let go. Your warm touch confuses me further but without any explanation, it felt so right. I missed you so much love, I really do. I’d love to call on you someday alright?
And I’ll always love you. But you knew that already right?
Labels: personal
Friday, November 06, 2009
~ 17:00:00 ~
To my forever loved,I missed you so much Love. How was your week? I bet the heavens a wonderful place to live in, it seems as though God himself is enjoying his time up there. Does he occasionally forget about us down here?
You know every time I get the feeling that he left us all and I’ve to survive life without his guidance, to fight off disturbing creations of his, alone. But I guess if you have to govern something so big like this universe, you might occasionally forget the insignificant ones.
My week is horrible Love. Without his guidance, my thoughts are running wild. There are those days where I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. Those nightmares that haunts me every time, those questions which remains unanswered while those experience which made them worst.
I think knowledge is too powerful for me to bear its great supremacy. It seems as though the more I know, the more I really don’t. It felt as though like building a structure so tall with a very weak foundation. And that foundation is Mentality. I am having a questionable mentality towards my work, and life.
What should I do Love? How I wished you were here with me right now. We can go to the meadows again, watch beautiful butterflies flatter their orange-yellow wings. Or visit the mountains and watch the majestic waterfalls crashing onto the river below. Or maybe sit on a cliff, and witness the great beauty in his creation, as wind brushes our face and waves crashing onto the rocks below us. Maybe, if you are lucky enough, we might witness the rainbows on the infinite horizons ahead. Watch the sunset with me please, the bright orange aura against the yellow fluffy clouds and towards the night, we can cuddle while witnessing the heavens above staring at us below.
Will we come with me on my never ending adventure? Meet me tonight in my dreams alright? I’m so looking forward to see you tonight.
With much love,
Yours truly.
P.S I love you
Labels: personal
Sunday, November 01, 2009
~ 22:16:00 ~
Yearn to change.I forgot what motivates me to go to school. What makes me want to listen to lectures. I forgot what values there are in knowledge. I forgot why I cared so much, for the situation we are all in, for me, for everyone close to me. I forgot what really made my day. Yet all I remember lately was the opposite.
I remembered what motivates me to skip school. What makes me want to drag the boring lectures. I remembered the values in stupidity, where attention-seeking and alter ego will always be part of the equation. I remembered why I hate so much, why I angered for the situation we are all in, for me, for everyone close to me. I remembered what made me tick.
I couldn’t explain this cocktail of emotions all blended and dense right through. For a second, simultaneously, I could feel the pain, anger, sadness, frustrations and annoyance of nothing in particular. While soon after, comes all the positive feelings of being just happy, and in high – love high. And again of nothing in particular.
If there were a disease of emotional outburst, this could just be it.
I am very tired of life. Something someone as young as me shouldn’t be saying. But everyone around me is right, I do think a lot. In fact, I believe I think too much. But thoughts like breathing, is involuntary. How do I control these thoughts and when can I get them back, should I need to ponder.
Could anyone help? I doubt so.
Labels: personal
Saturday, October 24, 2009
~ 22:40:00 ~
In the arms of an angelI would love to just close my eyes and feel your presence. Though I cannot see you, I know you’re there. I know your touch, every time I was feeling low. I learn life from your wisdom. I yearn for knowledge from your acquaintances. I plead for help from a source not too sure exist, yet I know you were there. Breathing life into my soul, teaching me as I slowly pick myself up.
Today, I learn what love is. I don’t need anyone to feel love, I don’t need anything. I just need you with me, by my side always. Follow me will you? Follow me everywhere I go. Hug me whenever I am low, and never let go. Your cold yet warm touch I hungered for so much.
Take me away with you in my sleep. Make me dream of you every day. We could go to the headlands and watch the blue waves crashing onto the shore, witness the orange aura of the sunset and feel the warmth it brings with it. Feel the cool moist breeze brushing off our faces as we stare deep into each other and feel that one unanimous emotion we couldn’t explain.
Follow me to school, sit beside me and whisper voices of love into my ears. Make me believe in god again. As we witness the greatness of his creation one slide at a time. Understand and appreciate his work one page, one fact, and one lecture at a time.
I love you, my sweet angel. And you make me blush every time I saw a glimpse of you watching me sleep. I’ll always remember you when I feel the cool breeze brushing my face and as I breathe in the fresh air, filling my lungs, there’ll always be that scent from you.
Could we ever be together?
Will god allow it to be?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
~ 21:58:00 ~
I’m loving angels instead.The heart aches as darkness falls, this predicament never cease. Among the darkness, the moon shed its only light while the stars endow hope with beauty to be felt by all.
Shunt thy be felt with any regrets. She returns home, she returns none the less.
Amidst the lonely nights, he felt the presence of a sub-conscious being that knocked on his heart with light that brightens it all. The angel has arrived to lift his soul back to the heavens as he closed his eyes, falling into deep sleep. Never to be awaken again.
His heart trudge life into his once dead soul. Mixed emotions of anger and affection confused him further as his hands were touched once more. Close to him again, she wraps her hand around him, shut her eyes and listened to his heart beating. All the pain and confusion in every beat were felt as she let a tear escape.
“Love, what is it?”
Labels: personal
Monday, October 19, 2009
~ 22:37:00 ~
On a personal note,I have always been emotionally unstable, and here, is where I tell discreetly the things people MIGHT want to know. My emphasis heavily on the MIGHT.
My general cause of anger lies deep within the unexplainable. For the moment, I keep having thoughts which clearly reflect my weaknesses. A certain mode of thinking which are evidence to a possible low self-esteem, a lack in self-confidence and belief.
This uncommon pain I felt, though I believe is felt by many has no clear solution. This path, in which I have chosen, seems to be fading by time. Like a road covered by dirt from a sandstorm, leaving you lost among the mountains of sand and rock, finding meaning and direction.
And much I have frustrated many by not being straight forward with the feelings many close to me yearns to know. I am afraid; they do understand or appreciate the seriousness of the situation I am in. Many I believed, to have seen a clear solution I wouldn’t want to take. Many I believed, to have little of what knowledge this predicament I am facing in which could only be taught through experience. Yet experience of this certain situation, may differ yet had a same concept in which makes things further complicating as an ally tries their best to prove their point of view.
Indeed I am not okay, though I lied when I said I was. Like many, I faked a smile with much effort and hide what matters most as far from reality as possible. As condensed as my aching heart let me, some do seep through here in my previous posts.
Some of you reading this at this point might already have an idea what I am referring to. But need I remind you, not everything here that I speak of, is straight forward. Sadness is not always negative, neither is happiness always positive.
As honest as I can be at this point, I myself am confused with this burden I’ve yet to appreciate. I am cautiously searching for answers to questions I’ve yet to learn. In much effort I have contributed, the outcome sadly is always unfavourable; it leads to more questions yet never a definite answer.
One, who reads me, knows me. I’ve repeatedly bored many with my complicated views. This is not the first time I have attempted to let the world know my thoughts.
This dilemma I’m facing in which influences future thoughts and actions I’ve yet to do, has repeatedly shattered my hopes for a dream come true. A fantasy in which limitations has it remained as fantasies.
I am here in search for help, to a source never certain to exist. I agree upon the very fact that I may need help, a certain sort of assistance to facilitate my actions.
I am never good enough for anybody, I’ve realised that. I am never smart enough to be noticed, I’ve realised that. I am never brave enough to be noticed, I’ve realised that.
These three realizations are evidence of a degrading human soul I have acquired.
Indeed I will never appreciate the happiness many have achieved from the gracious social life they obtained. From the social life I have severely lacked in my short life. A memory full of internal unnoticed misery is all I will remember in the years to come.
The dark age of my unrevealing thoughts continues. And death will always be a certainty of a solution. But like I’ve said, never brave enough.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
~ 20:06:00 ~
Metamorphosis to beThe phone vibrates and Paramore’s I caught myself was playing. It’s a sign, a cue that bedtime is over. My alarm just rang. Today, 28th September 2009 will be start of anew. An origin of more life lessons. The beginning of a new dawn.
All my bags are packed and I’m ready to go. My reluctance to leave my room, my Annabella, my Gabriel grew. I’ve missed my home before I even stepped out of it. So I decided to take the fastest way to school, in a cab. Flagged and reach school an hour and a half earlier. Why am I doing this?
Preparations were made for us to reach our objectives. The mission seems impossible. To reach to the top of three summits and back safely within the range of 6 days.
All logistics are in the bags, nicely packed. The bulky 60L bag finally took its final weight on my shoulders. Boy, this is one heavy bag, I thought. But nevertheless, all the items in there, all the food, clothes and water are all well needed.
The bus that was taking us to Woodlands checkpoint has finally reached. During the whole trip, I was reminiscing Mount Ophir’s journey and story-telling them to Supri. How Ophir have attempted to take my life away, but ended up changing me for the better.
At JB, we took a train. KTM express to Dabong which took about 10 odd hours. During the long mundane train ride, as I was lying to the top bed, staring out of the window, gazing on silhouettes of trees that pass me by, I began into deep thoughts of how my life is going on. Am I really happy? Am I supposed to be? Tonight seems different, not as lonely as I was, not as dark either. Sleep well buddy, I’ll be back.
***
Cotton clouds gathered covering the ground. It’s obvious how high we are on top of the mountains. I took a glance and there sitting beside me, a brunette whom I’ve never met before. But I could explain the intense feelings I have for her. I loved her. I know this feeling, I felt it before.
Isn’t it beautiful? The clouds gathering at our feet, and look, the sun is rising.
She inched closer as I wrapped my hands around her, keeping each other warm from the windy cold dry breeze.
As the sun rises, covering the clouds tinted it with bright yellow-orange aura. The wind blew a cold shiver into our spines. Looking deep into her eyes, seeing it glitter.
***
Nudged by Faris, as I was forced into reality. We are reaching Dabong already. We have to hurry because the train won’t wait long. Ooh what a dream that was.
We settled on a local coffee shop not far from the station. There adjacent to it lies a sign, printed with golden letters which seems to be faded away by time, bordered by blue paint and sheltered by somewhat purple-maroon roof spelled the two words in malay; “Pekan Dabong” in which in translation, Dabong village.
Breakfast was self-serviced. The local rice was tasty, though the beef was a little tough in texture. But giving the situation we are in, I say, I had a great morning breakfast enough to ensure my survival in the mountains to come.
The secret pal routine is going on; Supri received a wonderful packet drink with a cute note. I’m still wondering what to give my secret pal. He’s a guy, so it’s a little tough. Will he like M&Ms?
Soon after breakfast, two young locals came in vans. At first we thought they were strangers, but then they begin to have a small chat with a couple of committees. They must be our guides.
Day pack ready and loaded, we board the van they came in and off to a whole new adventure, rumour has it, we are visiting caves. Not long after, we alighted in an area where playgrounds became our best friends. It’s great to feel like a child again, swinging. Though bittersweet memories flashed me backed while swinging in one of them.
The guides came and introduced themselves. The leader among them was YO. He’s the funniest guide among the three; he has a very open mind and which he earned our respect almost instantly. Among them includes JA and OPI. They are the best guides ever.
A short walk later, we reached our first cave. They called it the dark cave, wouldn’t you wonder why? In groups we went in, mine was the last to enter. Slowly, darkness falls on us as all beams of visible light disappear and what lies ahead are only visible through headlights we are wearing.
My eyes are fed with natural phenomena that I’ve never seen before. Beauty in which can only be described through experience. Yet among the darkness, it’s all of chaos and the unseen, life happens. It blooms as bats flaps their wings over us. We are all obsessed with finding that light at the end of the tunnel, we often forget, that the tunnel itself in the dark, spurs the most beautiful forms of life.
All its features, limestone weathered by wind taking its beautiful natural shape. As we progress into the other caves, we saw how beautiful and scenic the world can really be. No need for human intervention, forget artificial environment. This is the life. Where we could just sit on the cave floor, and ponder on life issues, deep into our soul and search the real us.
Indeed these mental pictures will forever be burned on my retina. I will never forget this moment; the day life has been deeply appreciated.
Alas, the beams of light shine on my skin, never was I ever so grateful to feel the warmth of the sun once more. We then slowly trek our steps back down towards the playground, where we board the van back to the coffee shop.
The van ride was interesting as YO explained to us the mountains we will be hiking later on, Mount Stong, Mount Baha, Mount Ayam and the huge waterfall. From far, the mountains look majestic; will I ever have the strength to make it to the top? I could barely see it from the van.
Lunch will be served at the coffee shop. We spread bread with chocolate and peanut butter. This is it, mentally preparing myself for the hike.
We took a van to the state park entrance. I slept throughout the ride.
We are again, the last group to hike up. We mount up, and make our way towards the base camp. The first few steps were hard, still getting used to the heavy bag pressuring the shoulders with every step. Not long into the hike, we reached our first pit stop, the waterfall.
Standing at 990m tall, this majestic beast has truly defined its name as the tallest waterfall in South East Asia. And to be standing at the bottom of it and feel the strong wind and mist brushing my face was truly indescribable. Already at the first pit stop, we have casualties. Oh, I hope weather is on our side. Moving on.
For four odd days, I’ll be seeing the same sight of trees, roots and mud. The narrow trail of roots, rocks, and leaves will be something of a common sight. After four long hours, we finally made it to the base camp.
Being the last group, the tent, basha etc have all been set up by the previous two when we arrived. Washed up and have a great dinner. My body was aching throughout the night. It has only been four hours of hike. Not to mention, just the first day.
Today’s dinner was special. Yam rice with eggs. Debrief was brief and slowly, my eyes gave way and I fell asleep.
Rise and shine to mushroom soup.
They speak of a certain morning dip. What is that? Little did I know, but it was fresh.
Another day of aches to come. This is it, the hike towards the summits. This is the reason why we are here. The mission that I have set. The goals I’m going to achieve. The first few steps were of ease. Perhaps from the conditioned body and hammering I received yesterday. But it isn’t easy all the way through.
Seven odd hours of hiking, my body is falling apart.
The wind grew colder. Every sweep on my skin sends a shiver down my spine. The air is fresh, the trees are moist, and the ground is soft and cushioned by dead leaves. The barks are smooth and thick. What seems like brown are now green. There’s hardly any sign of mud, and mosses grow in almost any surfaces you can find.
Standing tall at roughly 1450m is a yellow green sign with the words Gunung Baha. We did it guys; we have reached the first summit. The air is freezing cold. Every breeze is enough to steal your energy away shivering. A jacket is all I got. We have to hurry, I need the heat.
My thoughts are uncertain. My steps grew weary. Falls become frequent as fatigue sets in. They said base camp was not far away. Define ‘not far away’. Is it psychological games and mind tricks they pull on you? Or is it truly not far away...
Every step felt like grenades exploding in my shoe. Daggers stepping on my back, rocks crushing on my shoulders. How much longer is this going to take? My breath grew short. I’m feeling aches in places I didn’t know exists. Muscles I never felt were there before. I could even feel my toenail.
The agony grew. My body screams for rest. I could literally jump down 1450m high just to end the pain. But why am I still moving on? My mind is still fighting strong. The body demands something, but the mind stipulates an opposite reaction; he wants home. Something you can never get in the middle of the mountain. Moving on he says. That’s the only way.
Soon, darkness will fall, and the sun would wave his final goodbyes.
The group stopped on their tracks on what seems to be an open field. Laying on the floor broken in half are the sign which indicates our arrival to Mount Ayam’s summit. Standing at 1500m. The dark will gain recognition soon.
The sun has set; the wind blew stronger and stronger. The cold, indescribable. The fatigued, aching muscles shiver more and more. It hurts badly. The pain was overwhelming I could hardly move. Dinner was interesting. For some reason, I am in the ‘kitchen’, cooking eggs. Good luck to who consumes it. May your digestive tracks be with you.
The cold night continues.
Sam’s voice took too long to register. Soon, there was a nudge followed by touch lights shining right into my eyes. It’s hard to believe its morning already, though it’s harder to believe it’s already the fourth day. The morning air is fresh, by now, my body has gotten used to the cold. My reluctance to step outside my sleeping bag grew. The more I procrastinate, the harder it is.
Potato salad is served.
I’m a little worried. Yesterday’s rest wasn’t sufficient enough. The pain never ceased, though it felt a little better. Some people still failed to claim their logistics. We are running out of time I guess, I still have space in my bag for one more ground sheet.
Today’s hike was interesting. We began by retracing our steps back to Ayam summit. But we didn’t really visit the summit, somewhere on the track we change course.
During that short period where we were retracing, I was given ample time to reflect on yesterday’s torture. Where every sight, sound and emotions are still fresh in my head. My thoughts at that precise moment, where war between neurons and cells broke out, where endurance became a raw definition of survival.
My back was aching. Something everyone was feeling at that time. A certain common pain we felt as a group. But all I have to do was turn around, and witness a triumph I’ve never achieved before in my whole entire life. There standing at 1500m tall, was Ayam’s summit staring at me. Look at that, I actually climbed all the way up there. What could be more motivating?
From sources I gathered, we are heading to Stong summit. The last and final objective of this whole expedition, suddenly the mission doesn’t seem to be that impossible after all.
Voices grew audible. Somehow we are no longer alone in the mountains. A few steps later, we regrouped with the rest. We did again, for the third time, another summit reached. The third and final summit standing tall on a rock.
The view stole all my fatigue away. It replenishes all the tired brain juice with scenery so indescribable; one just had to experience it himself.
We had our lunch here. And fair amount of snapshots.
The first two groups left. We are the last to leave, and already I’m going to miss this view. There’s so much I want to know! Like how does this same view look like when the sun begins to set, or dawn begins to break. Or if we were to experience a full moon, how bright will this place be. I am standing on a rock free from street lights, and roads and pollution. How many stars will I see? Will I get a glimpse of heaven? Or that very same sight famous Galileo looked on and claimed the fate of the planet thereafter.
Nevertheless we had to go. Our final challenging trail back to base camp. Our last time to pray for our safety; let’s not get complacent shall we.
I felt high, so were my groups apparently.
I spy with my two little eyes... someone annoying. (hehehe)
We sang songs after songs, played guess the title, and mimic our next Singapore idol to be. Soon afterwards, before we realise it, three hours has gone.
Three hours, before early sign of fatigue took in. I know this feeling, this nightmare that has been haunting me not too long ago. It’s coming back, and this time with a vengeance.
While trekking down, whispers of my former geography teacher became audible. As I stare on my trees, I ponder on our geography textbooks. How tropical forest are adapted for its survival. Their leaves, roots, brunches etc. Geography came to life.
Five hours has gone. We are still far from our base camp. The sky is getting dark, headlights ready. And mentally, we have to accept the inevitable fact that we are going to trek at night.
Darkness falls, and the moon shine brightly in the sky, just like my forbidden dreams. The moonlight shines the forest giving the leaves and trees that silhouette look. Though the moonlight is bright, it’s just not bright enough. We still can’t have a visual on the trail without our headlights.
It’s beautiful, nature at night. A scenery one would never have seen living in the urban world. Where concrete and streetlights are all you see.
For two straight hours with no breaks, we finally reached our base camp. Cheered by the other two groups. My body gave way; I could hardly breathe or move.
I have to rest for the night. I couldn’t take this physical torture anymore.
Morning comes and how I wished it wouldn’t go. The beginning of a completely new dawn has arrived as we head on towards the edge of the tallest Waterfall in the area. Sitting on the edge of the waterfall, staring at cotton clouds and street lights which are still on. Its dark down there, but its bright up here. Do the people down there know what they are missing? Do the people at home, my home, my friends, my family know what beauty lies for them to witness?
What is the purpose of life?
It’s sad that the planet is dying. We are destroying our one and only place we call home. The shelters we build, the quality of life we create can never withstand the wrath of Mother Nature. We are not taking care of our planet. It’s the inevitable fact.
Throughout the whole trip, I realise with no hand phones, no mp3 players, no computers, no electricity, no cars, and no pollution. We can still survive happily with the friends we have. There is no need for branded goods. No need for things in which others are sacrificed for. Animals are murdered to get their fur, fats, to turn them into branded goods. Here, we live with them. Squirrels here feel safe.
Life here in the jungle blooms without human intervention, trees grow hundreds of metres tall, tens of metres wide.
This has only taught us one lesson.
This planet can survive without us. But we, cannot survive without this planet. And no, we don’t need to save the planet; it can repair on its own. We just need to save ourselves, from ourselves.
~ The end ~
Labels: personal
Monday, September 28, 2009
~ 01:21:00 ~
The hardest part of any friendship is when it's time to say goodbye. As much as we might like things to stay the same, change is an inevitable part of life. The universe may seem huge and the rift between friends on opposite side of the world may seem a great distance. There are many tools available, with which we can communicate, but even without these tools there is a secret that only real friends know, and it is this. All the mountains and valleys in the world cannot separate friends whose hearts are as one.And it’s these mountains I’ll hike, and prove this a reality.
If I don’t come back alive. Should any hazard be fallen on my fate, do know...
I’ll always love you.
Always.
Labels: personal
Thursday, September 24, 2009
~ 15:47:00 ~
BreatheThere are a few things I want to blog about today.
Training for Mount Stong Expedition
I recently applied for NYAA (Gold) and they sent me to this expedition to fulfil my Adventure requirements. Thought of going OBS, but this sounds fun. The expedition will be held climbing terrain-challenging Mount Stong. The five day expedition beginning at 29th September and ends 2nd October will hopefully be a breath taking journey.
Training for the expedition in school, collaborated by Adventure Club was fun. We had to do climb run, where we run up and down the stairs of school seven stories high with close to 30kg of weights in the big bag. And every day, I stepped to places in school I didn’t know exist. Lots of make out places, and coupling area too ;) Very dark, windy, quiet... Oh perfect isn’t it?
Hey, I got a story to tell.
The last time I hiked a mountain, it tried to take my life away. It was mount Ophir (gunung ledang). We were behind schedule and forced to hike down to the foot at night. It was close to 2am in the morning. While hiking in the dark, close to the rapids of the river, I slipped and almost fell into the death calling rapids. A small plant saved my life as I managed to grab hold of it before I fell.
Who knew, I might not come down alive this time. It might just take my life away. My prayers could just be answered.
Computation of GPA
The much awaited results are out. I’m not going to tell you what it is, so if you still want to know come ask me on MSN or something.
I cannot slack next semester; I’ll be pushing harder and harder every day. Mark my words, I will get what I want, what I need. My obsession will never cease.
I will never let you fall... but you bit my hand.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
~ 01:58:00 ~
Its two a.m.Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know its not easy,
Easy for me.
-Breathe, Taylor Swift
Saturday, September 19, 2009
~ 18:53:00 ~
Ten minutes of fasting left.I apologize for all the wrong doings I have done. My mere existence was a big mistake. I am truly sorry for all the guilt I caused you. But honestly, I still do not know what happen between us. Out of the blue, everything just stopped and became stagnant. What happen? What did I do wrong?
All those tortured nights thinking of you. The butterfly is gone. You’ve let it go, but it’s not coming back su. Now what? Now... now... we forget. We lead different lives. Now we have our final goodbyes. For you shall no longer be my lover. But will always be my first.
You’ve taught me much. Countless thought imposing lessons I will never forget. So maybe I was harsh for saying love was an illusion, was a myth. But honestly, could I breathe for a second if Love doesn’t exist at all? Maybe I could, just sleep soundly for one miserable night. Or maybe, just have different problems for a change. Be miserable for a totally different reason.
You were right. We need somebody in our lives. But me? I just need myself to think straight. How could I possibly love someone else, if I couldn’t even have the heart to love myself? Not anymore. Everything changed. I was not the one you knew back in secondary school. Ever since my life took a twist, it changes everything. I was weak, very very weak. I’m sorry. But you’re not the same too. I don’t know you anymore.
I wrote two messages, which till today remain unsent. Should I? I don’t know. It’s up to you now...
Forgive me, for everything.
Forgive me, for this post.
I am sorry.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
~ 22:37:00 ~
Are you watching closely?You never understood why we did this. The audience knows the truth: the world is simple. It's miserable, solid all the way through. But if you could fool them, even for a second, then you can make them wonder, and then you... then you got to see something really special... you really don't know?... it was... it was the look on their faces..
- Hugh Jackman (The Prestige)
Indeed he’s right. The world is simple. Never complicated, always straight forward. An apple with another makes two apples. Nothing more to it than it really is. Simple. But if you fool them, even for a second, you could see something special. The look on their faces.
The power of three.
Yes, 3. The magical wonders in that number. The number that deceives us. Why is it that we tend to look at everything in threes? As a kid, we learned ABC, 123, three blind mice, Old MacDonald had a farm, in that old farm of his, has a duck, and the duck goes (quack quack quack). Three musketeers. Tom, Dick and Harry. Three here and there. Go to school and you have at most three periods in one subject. The points to every factor.
And then when we slowly grow up. We come to know, of the three most important words.
Yes, those three words put together in a sentence that has all the influence, all the power to flip one’s world upside down. All come from the second word. In which the first word attempts to pull their acts on the third word. Yes. The three words people hungered to hear. The three words people would die for. The three words people would believe.
I Love You.
Aku cintai-mu.
Wo ai ni.
The world is simple. Nothing complicated. Nothing deceiving. . But if you could fool them, even for a second, then you can make them wonder, and then you... then you got to see something really special... you really don't know?... it was... it was the look on their faces..
That’s why, I don’t believe.
Love is a myth.
Love is an illusion.
Love is a trick people hungered to see, to feel, to know.
But the truth is, you don’t want to know the secrets, you just want to be fooled.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
~ 12:20:00 ~
What’s diggin my fellow inmates?Wow, that sounds wrong somehow.
Anyway, this is going to be a short one. For the pass 4 days in a row, I have not been sleeping well. I have been awake late at night and sleeping at dawn break. But it’s worth it. I feel different somehow. Somehow changed. Somehow, having a lighter shoulder.
Is it possible to fall in love with someone totally unreachable? I’m talking about, people of different continents. People living on the opposite site of the planet. And somehow, technology has brought us together. But the distance leaves a boundary between us. I want to go to UK!
Some people manage to tell the world that they are still alive lately. So kudos to them. Good to know.
This holiday has got me thinking a lot. How socially screwed up my life has turned out to be. Throwing all you have to one person for a very long time and things don’t go well. Ooh what an investment that is. I’ll make a poor businessman, seriously. I feel like I’m a success in an experiment of artificial stupidity. Or maybe, I just forgot to pay my brain bills, and they just turn it off.
I FEEL I HAVE AN INTELLECT RIVALED ONLY BY GARDEN TOOLS!
That’s sad. I think I waited too much. It becomes numb, and emotionless. Look at me, I’m a walking zombie.
On a lighter note, I know I have cool friends. People like those in Facebook who made great, awesome videos that cheers one up.
There is one thing I would want to know.
If you could have only two wish, be it one realistic, and one unrealistic wish, what would it be?
It’s a discussion I had with a friend of mine.
Realistic wish, I would want to be the most intellectual being on this planet.
Unrealistic wish, I would want unnatural abilities like Sylar and Peter. Alternatively, I just wish for world peace. YUP this is unrealistic.
Tell me what your wish is. Just leave it in the tag or something.
Still need to find something to call you people....Any ideas?
Labels: personal
Saturday, September 12, 2009
~ 14:23:00 ~
What’s happening people!!!People is so boring... Hmmmm let me try this again.
What happening folks!
No? Not folks? Alright, I promise to call you guys a proper name. Just have to think about it.
Anyway, my Thursdays if you people blog hop much have been spend wisely with the best bunch of evolved Homo sapiens around. Just in case you have not blog hopped here they are. Mia, Zat, Ken, Tean, Shik, GY and YL. Yes 8 of us.
So here’s a ‘brief’ synopsis of the trip.
Okay, so I went to meet Mia and shik at small MACd at roughly 12 noon. We then took a train ride to city hall where we shop for awhile. Yes, folks, we shopped. Haha! I love shopping. After going through the mall and shops we finally decide to head home, until one saleslady came up to us and attempt to make us purchase some cleansing products. SHE WAS GOOOD. SO GOOOD, Shik just had to buy one. Heeh...
One the way back to the train station, is this pathway in which from now on, I will call it hot girls haven. Hah! Yeah, there’s this one hottie wearing yellow dress at the escalator. Some come in white. And some just have nice dress. And some the dress are the only thing nice. Hehe.
*day dream...*
Aaaanyway, where was I? Oh yes! Train back to bedok, ooh yup bedok. Cause that’s where we are going to meet Fatin, Ken, GY and YL. Since we are very early. A little bit of more shopping, this time it’s my turn. I had to get a new battery for Yan’s tuner. Eh wait, OUR tuner. Yeah. Well guys shopping are straight forward I must say. Get battery; find shop, purchase and go. Simple.
Back to the interchange we go. Fatin arrived with homeworks Ken arrive with...well he arrived. GY arrive with YL .
So the eight of us, waaait a minute. There’s only seven now. *counting names above*. I swore I count myself... Oh right... SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO GO WORK THAT DAY.
In 16 we trust to take us to ECP.
We went bowling next, my first shot hit all 10! Home run! Eh, touchdown! Hmph... Well it’s because I don’t know what it’s called. Spare? Or Strike?
After waiting, the PERSON WHO HAVE TO GO TO WORK ON THAT DAY ARRIVES!! (Applause on the red carpet) . haiss, zat, zat.
We went cycling to Lagoon, Feed ourselves and went home. Eh, well most of us anyway, yet we still have time to slot in coffee bean session. Awesome card trick.
From now on, people have to call me donkey. HAHA!
*End of synopsis*
Haha! Not brief... it is right?
Okay, so apart from ECP trip I also want to talk about this facebook game that has me rooted to the comp for hours. And I mean HOURS.
Playfish’s Restaurant City.
Yup. That game. I need ingredients people!!! STRAWBERRIES!!!
Hahaha.
I love that game.
Oh yes and while chatting to a friend yesterday about what’s happening to me for the pass month or so. She said I was being picky!! Wth... LIKE SERIOUSLY? I’m single because I’m picky? Hahaha!! THANKS!
Ohh kaaaay. Nothing more.
Umm...
That’s all folks.
(seriously I have to think of a better name then folks)
So tell me, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.?
Labels: personal
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
~ 16:59:00 ~
Whaaats Happening PEOPLE!!!Here’s a short one. I just went back home from Pasir Ris after making a new ez-link card. My assumption was I had to wait for 2 weeks before they posted it to school like we did it the first time. To my biggest surprise, I got it that instant I ask for it! Fast and efficient!!
Okaay, so why must I make a new one in the first place? Well, long story short, holidays makes me feel very very stupid and dumb. Duuhhhhh!! Hahahaha
Ooooh!! One more thing. Is it me? Or does this town suddenly overcrowded with hot chicks. The ticket lady was blazing hot!! And when the thing is done, my card, I took it turned and this angel standing behind me. I swore to GOD she’s too hot and cute to be human! SERIOUSLY! And there’s also this very pretty young lady sitting behind me. Never turn my back of course, but yeaaah, she’s hot too!!
And for once, after a very very very very very (you get the point right?) Loooooooong time, I actually feel happy. Like deep inside, I feeeel happy! Very very happy. No reason, very unconditional form of happiness. Hmmmmmm....
I guess depress me is finally done with! All wrapped up and ready to be judged in the afterlife. It’s a new happy me now. I hope this feeling stays.
Being happy, doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. Hahahahaah!!!
There’s always a twist huh....
WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Labels: personal
Saturday, September 05, 2009
~ 21:00:00 ~
World-wearinessThere are a few things I wanted to note down on this one. But let me warn you that this might be yet another depressing post cause let’s just simply say your friend here (me) just can’t get over the fact that... (Fill in the blanks because I can’t)
I had this dream that I died. No wait, I had many of these re-occurring dreams that I died. Subconsciously, I want to...die. That’s why the dreams come as nightmares every single time. But why? What have been depressing me? Is it weird that I’m depress but don’t really know why? Is it a kind of physiological breakdown of some sort? Am I sick?
I feel it, subconsciously, I am tired. Exhausted over the thoughts that doesn’t stop. Fatigued over the inability to live a happy life. Weary over the memories that I could recall with such a great detail. Every conversation, every second. And I just want it all to stop. There must be a switch off button somewhere. Could a person be the switch?
Karan was right. Maybe I should get drunk.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
~ 23:11:00 ~
An obsessionI was sitting hugging my pillow in the dark room just thinking. Depressed over how disappointing my life have been for me for this past month or year to be. And I was thinking to myself, just wondering.
If it’s so god dam hard to love someone, to feel someone’s love, why not, (here’s the good part) love something!! And maybe, just feel something’s love. Obviously as much as I love Annabella (my laptop), I just don’t feel it.
So I decided to get myself a companion. A kitten!! A cute little thing which I can love all I want. Care for her. Feed her. And just watch her grow like my own. I want this badly. This might just solve a lot of things in my head. I can just feel lonely no more.
So the hunt is on. IM going to get myself a kitten and treat her like my own.
And just maybe, I can move on.
Labels: personal
Sunday, August 30, 2009
~ 13:53:00 ~
Are you thinking what I’m thinking Su1?Oh I’m sure am Su2...
It’s bloooging time!!!
(!@#$%$@!)
Laugh it out. I know my blog have been very very depressing lately so that’s something to cheer it up.
I feel good. I feel very very good. For once I can spend my nights knowing that there will be no test tomorrow. No more Integration to worry. No more Staphylococcus aureus to consider. No more diagnosis for malaria. Plasmodium can come and bite my ass.
Breathe in deep. The air is free from acids and bases. Free from proton donors and acceptors. Free from buffers. Free from electronic configurations and orbital. The air is free from coordination complexes. The air I’m breathing in right now is free from peptidoglycan and lipopolysaccharides.
The first semester of school is finally over and done with.
Six weeks of holidays now, what should I do?
I have been watching fringe. A show that explains what happens if controversial scientific theories are being applied. Unethical and playing god I might add. Reanimation, time travelling and phasing through walls etc. These are heroes’ ability, only theoretically possible.
And to think they use human subjects. Oh my oh my, this is science gone wild. Yet cool.
Alright enough of science and math. I need a life, desperately.
I have this world saving solution for global warming. And I feel excited.
I just want an answer to this question.
Is altering god’s creation wrong?
Labels: personal
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
~ 22:06:00 ~
Sweet dreams come and go...Had one this morning. Woke up in an awesome mood but it’s sad, knowing that these dreams can never be true. Indeed, very sad I felt afterwards. Let it be...
So have been reflecting on all my emotions lately. How emotionally disturbed I have been and decided to just let it be.
Sometimes things just don’t go your way, it happens to everybody. So we should just let it be.
Let it be.
Life is all about having questions with no answers. Who knew we might find them in the afterlife?
And how could I ever neglect the existence of god?
There’s no need to think far, just look outside your window. Staring at the clouds gives me enough evidence that suggests god’s existence. Looking at that tree, bearing that leaf, and looking into its molecular structure and understanding how it works, and knowing how it relates to us... gives me enough evidence of the existence of god.
Looking at me, how I’m made, how I work, how I think, and the beauty in all of us gives me enough evidence of the existence of god.
Everything from the slightest atom to the whole universe is too perfect to be just a coincidence, just a chemical accident. The only logical explanation, though not theoretical is... god.
Accept it.
At least I did.
Believing in something gives us the strength to move on in hard times. Even if it’s not true. So why not?
Labels: personal
Friday, August 21, 2009
~ 12:04:00 ~
SchoolbookWill this ever end? Waking up in the morning alone, looking at the phone and just stare at the ceiling for hours. Sleep a little more and finally drag the whole day through. Does that sound emoish? Does that sound like someone who is not appreciative of things he have and yearns for things he doesn’t? Most importantly, do I care what that sounds like?
This blog has been nothing but pain. It’s the only path where pain flows through. This is where every negative thing is filtered and only the good ones remains in me. To be that me that everybody knows. But I cannot carry on. It’s too much to bear.
We can sit here and argue over where the old me have been. The me that still believes in a lot of things that he now doesn’t. Or we can try to... (Sigh...)
At the rate I’m going. Will I ever find someone true?
(Here I go again...)
Is that what you only think about??
Arguing with myself again... Sigh...
Another meaningless post.
It’s sad my vision of happiness is blocked. It’s how I see things. And to me, there’s nothing to feel happy about anymore. Whether I die the next very second I don’t even care. I doubt any of you would too. The fact that test is coming up and I didn’t study, I don’t even care. The fact that I had an A for some papers or a B or a D, I don’t even care anymore.
So what do I care???
What’s stopping me from pressing that button to the end of the world?
What’s left for me?
My life as I know it, emotionally, is over.
MY every days are just every days.
I am a walking robot/zombie.
I look at people around me and half of them I wouldn’t mind killing.
Am I going to be a psychopath?
What is wrong with me?
What is it that you want in life su???
WHAT???
TELL ME WHAT!!!
All that anger, all that pain.
It’s not going to stop right??
Labels: personal
Sunday, August 16, 2009
~ 13:30:00 ~
What if I look into your pretty little eyes and tell you how much I really missed you, what would you do?Lying on this bed alone, hugging the pillow and staring at the ceiling just wondering how perfect life was when you were here with me. Looking out of the window, staring at the sky so blue and the clouds so white, and just pondering over the times these stood meaning. Now all I see is just clouds, all I see is just a plain blue sky. What happen to those times where these little things cheered my day?
And stood beside me on this lonely bed, was my phone. Silent from his slumbers. I could still recall the times when he was busy ringing from your little sweet messages. Messages I still keep dearly till this very day. Now, I hardly need it, this phone, just lying there silent. What ever happen to those times?
Questions asked but only one matters most now.
What have I done wrong?
What if I look into your pretty little eyes and tell you how much I really missed you, what would you do?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
~ 11:27:00 ~
Want to hear a little story?Come closer this might be good.
There’s no defeat, there’s no glory.
There’s no intention, don’t be misunderstood
This is a story about my life
How I came to be, how I strife
How I excel
How I was stabbed like a knife
Oh dear oh dear, where do I start?
Should I go with the one closest to my heart?
Should I start by saying something smart?
Should I begin with my favourite art?
Oh my oh my, where do I start...
I think I know where to begin
I start by revealing something within
My deepest thoughts, my greatest emotion
My weirdest nightmares, my biggest devotion
Let’s turn the clock back
To a time where everything seems blameless
A time where the tunnel is still pitch black
Where every day is aimless
Back then when I was thirteen
Very little very short
Just getting to know what it’s like being a teen
Very skinny, not very good at sports
Already at such a young age, my hunger to discover was overwhelming
I joined this Robotics course and that’s where it all began
Where I first laid eyes on this soul that gave me wings
She makes me more than a man
But that’s just a childhood crush nothing more
Or so I thought it was
Never felt this way before
Never knew it could get so sore.
But nothing happens then
The year past
And it didn’t last
Then I met Zen
Second year was a blast
We were wild, at least I was
That year went passed
Really, really fast
That year was the year
Where I grew into something more
Break that sphere and now I’m here
Missed those times I still adore
Final exams are here now
With much luck I might get my life sorted out
Cause a farmer has to think of his land, he needs to plough
or no seed could grow
And that’s something he can’t live without.
The third year has arrived
Enrolled myself into a science stream
Took a few fall before I learned how to survive
Ever since, everything’s a dream
Every day became a new day
Every day was filled with purpose
Every day felt like a dream
Every day we compose
Hey look who’s here
it’s her
Heart beating
As we were
As I walked past the first row
It felt so wrong
It felt so...
This can’t happen, no it won’t, no...
What is this feeling I can’t get enough of
This torture that I can’t sleep out
Love
or doubt?
Should I talk to her?
I felt like I should say something
Oh my god wait, didn’t you hear?
She has accepted a ring
So what, I just want to know her
Nothing wrong with that right
But what if it gets worst
You will never sleep tonight
Yeah your right I’ll leave her alone
But they will never, these busy bodies
I’ve entered ‘your-worst-nightmare’ zone
I’m so new at this, I turned to stone
Never talked to her not one bit
Never knew she won’t quit
Persist to know why
She knew, how I wish I could lie.
Things felt awkward
Things felt different
Things felt wrong
I can never be that strong
Why won’t they leave me alone
Why must they know
Who I liked or have feelings for
The one that makes me glow
Why must they make it so hard
I’m so new at this
I’ve lowered my guard
How I wish I didn’t exists
Year four things are way better
There’s nothing wrong
Everything’s settle
And that story have passed for so long
As time pass we went to be something a little more
I knew then, there is no one on this planet I would rather be with
Then the one who heats up my core
Then the one who proves that dreams are more than just a myth
Every day I think of her
Every day I felt for her
Every day my life grew blur
Every day... but this is what I’d prefer
It feels as though we’ve grown wings
It feels so warm what love brings
We did a lot together
Sit on an island at night by the beach with a couple of friends
Spend the week on foreign land
I’ll stand here with her, by her regardless of the weather.
I remembered those days I woke up and the first thing I did
Was to wish her good morning
And as the day end the last thing I said
Was sweet dreams and may those dreams always be sweet
As I went to bed
My face turned red
And heaven greets me and my heart skips a beat
Nothing last forever
Everything, even the sweetest things have to end
They say never say never
But I can no longer pretend
The butterfly flew to the heavens
As I lay on the midnight sky
Alone again, like I used to be
Wingless, as I fall from a flight so high
It’s sad, I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye.
I guess this is my fate
All I can do now is wait
And wait
And wait
Like a dying star
I slowly let it go
But what last forever, is this bleeding scar
And this river of tears, that will always flow
Death of a soul
For he will never love again
Sunday, August 09, 2009
~ 21:00:00 ~
ReconciliationWow 44 years? Like seriously dude, congrats!
Where else in this god forsaken planet can you find a community as one? A country free from war and political troubles for 44 years! May this continue forever and ever.
I recalled dragging the 5 minutes National Anthem and pledge back in secondary school. But what I didn’t realise is, every single day, we sing a prayer for our safety. A prayer for a better life. A prayer for peace. A prayer none the less. May we be blessed for years to come.
Today, we celebrate all of our birthdays.
Happy Birthday everybody!
Labels: personal
Monday, August 03, 2009
~ 22:01:00 ~
Dear Green, Today, I’m changed. And this marks the baby steps of the new me. I am pleased to say that this change is a good one. I am different. I can feel it.
At seven in the morning, close after the break of dawn as I prepare myself for a new week, a new day I thought to myself, what am I going to do today? For the past few months I have been dragging myself to school. All I could think of is dying and leaving everything behind. My life felt like it’s covered with holes; many missing pieces. I felt incomplete
I am for once tired of living life as a routine. Waking up early in the morning, dragged myself to school, sit on the lecture hall and try to absorb everything, desperate to know it all. Endure through tutorials and long breaks. Doing repetitive questions, morn over close to due projects. Stressed over work and work and work. Question myself, asking myself why am I here? I have this dream course, in this dream poly doing this dream thing. Why am I not happy? Finally as the day end, staring through the bus window just wondering what happens if my life takes an alternative route. Suicidal thoughts at night and I went to bed. The next day, it happens all over again.
My life is well divided into two distinct categories; my fantasy and my reality. People think of me as a weird eccentric dude, whose lives are spent doing something others don’t do. “Crazy little fellow, stare at the moon and make such a big fuss about it”. “What is wrong with this guy? Can you believe it; he took pictures of the clouds?” I get that a lot too. But why am I this way? Want to know the real me?
My fantasy on the other hand is rather awkward. I created these two characters in my life. An angel from heaven named Annabella and a demon named Gabriel. These are my guardians, my certain something I channel all my thoughts too. Anxiously seeking response (self reflection). I am aware of the psychological factor here.
I am doing a little something at the moment. Just a little something I am trying out. I asked five people closest to me. One who has been a friend of mine since primary 5; he knows me, my taste of music and frequently gets it right. We went to the same secondary school and grew close as classmates in year two. One who has been my first ‘outside’ friend? As a child, I don’t really go out that much. And I was introduced by the first person I was talking about in year two, we are dead close. One who has been my classmate for two years. She knows me more than most of my other classmates, let’s just say she has a talent in observing people. One who I just got to know; my current classmate who were closest to me thus far. Just months ago we were strangers and now, a whole new era has just begun. And finally one who has taught me the most. Who showed me how it felt like being in love. Who have showered me with experience no man can teach. Who has been my purpose in life (for a few months). Who have been there when I really needed someone the most.
And so these five people were given the same question;
If there is one thing, anything you want to know about me, my life, what would it be?
The questions were overwhelming.
The answers, you decide.
Have you watched this documentary; Journey to the edge of the universe? It’s an interesting documentary showing us what’s really out there. Take a look outside, stare into the night sky, what do you see? Do you see little dots of light that twinkle? Do you see a bright ball of light that shine ever so brightly lighting up the midnight road.
Have you ever wondered what’s really out there? How big is it? Launch a man beyond the clouds, and heavens will applaud their triumph, for they leave a changed man. Here’s the real story.
Now take it this way. Relative to the universe, we are not even a grain of sand on the beach. And yet so, throwing that grain of sand into the ocean and watch it disappear will not affect the beach in any way. Can you see how insignificant we all are? Yet god put us all into this planet. With the perfect requirements for us to even breathe for second. And we use that second, where life is thrust upon us, selfishly.
What can we learn from this?
From the nanometre of an atom, smallest or all small things, to the light years of the universe, biggest of all big things, think about it. What lessons can we learn from this?
So what if I’m weird.
So what if I’m a nerd.
So what if I’m all alone.
That doesn’t matter to me at all.
Because everybody in this world has this obsession, trying so hard to get to a certain destination, they forgot that what matters most, is the journey getting there.
And now, my everyday life took a twist. No longer was I dragging myself to school. No longer was I having those suicidal thoughts. And no longer was I feeling all alone. Cause I know one thing, no matter what we do, our thoughts are only temporary, it’s the actions that makes them permanent. And I am going to watch my actions, regardless of whatever thoughts I may have. This is my life, and I am living it this way and no one has the rights to change that.
And green, this post here were my thoughts of the day. You really want to know how I’m doing constantly?
P.S Life is wonderful, I’m eternally and naturally happy regardless of what setbacks I received. And these are my everyday thoughts. Watch that documentary.
The post dedicated to the five fellow heart-ships. May this answer it all.
Labels: personal
Sunday, July 26, 2009
~ 01:26:00 ~
TurbulenceWhy are we here on top of this roof almost eighty story high?
Oh hey Ann, how are you? Look down there, they are all so small. It’s windy here and I’m cold. Nice to see you again Anna.
She caught me staring down into thin air. She felt something amiss, and I felt it too.
It’s almost so tempting isn’t it to just jump down from this roof? Will I fall? Or will I fly?
My weary eyes met hers and silence grew among us.
Well that depends really. It’s your fantasy, what happen next is entirely up to you, you could choose to fall, or you could choose to fly. It’s your choice. That’s the beauty of this, because at the end of the day, this is your fantasy. This is your dream. You can do anything you want to do here and no one can stop you. Not me and not even Gabriel. It’s entirely up to you.
She stepped closer.
Ann, I don’t want to wake up. Can I not? It’s my choice. I can do whatever I desire and I want not to wake up. Can I Ann? Why can’t I? I cannot take this anymore. I want to jump and this time not to fly. I want to jump and fall. I want to crash down and hope I don’t wake up. I can barely stand Ann. And it hurts a lot. This ache. This pain that burns inside me. I don’t want this anymore. Ooh Annabella, when will this pain stop? Being in a relationship is hard they all say. Girls, they complain a lot, they fight for no apparent reason. They get jealous easily. And they all get frustrated with the situation they are in. But look at me Ann, being in a fight, or having to hear her nag at you for not calling you, or not talking to you. Or any other reason that sounds completely bizarre to you is more worth the trouble to be in than to stand here alone. They don’t see it. They have someone to love, someone that loves them back. Me? I’m all alone. Every single day, I live a routine all alone. And I can’t take another day. Every day is a struggle. The pain...
My fingers brushed over my face, surprise that it’s moist. I close my eyes and drops of
tears escape to taste the cold gushing wind.
Soon the grey passing cloud gave way to the sun that fills the heart with warmth. She stepped closer and wrapped her hands around me. She was all over me and her green glossy hair shines off the sun and they glimmer brightly against the indigo sky.
I don’t want to wake up Ann. I want die off in my sleep. Forget about goodbyes and happy endings. I want to end it right here with you. I’m not waking up....
I’m so sorry my dear, I have to go. The heavens are calling me. I will see you soon love. Stay strong for now alright. For me, please? And death my love, will not give your fantasy life, but it takes them away.
All I could do was to stare into her brown eyes and make a wish.
Goodbye Anna, I’ll be waiting for you.
I close my eyes tightly
** ** ** ** ** ** **
The next thing I know I woke up on my bed alone again. I guess all I could do is wait. I
was good at that. I recalled this line I once said to a love of mine.
“I have waited for four years, who’s to say I can’t wait for four more, seven more, ten more years.”
February 14, 2009, Plaza Singapura.
I remembered every moment of it.
And now...
Now I wait.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
~ 22:44:00 ~
SheWhat if I disappear
Never there never were
Will you still care? Will you shed a tear
Will it all be clear?
Will there be fear?
My death comes near
Time to cheer
Could I even stand for another year?
My love is sincere
I hope they are dear
Cause I still...
Labels: poems
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
~ 02:18:00 ~
Lacklustre The stale cold air conditioned air reached my lungs. I’m freezing, nearer to death by the minute and here I am, waiting for my next class. Life in the polytechnic, this may sound crude, sucks!
You have to wake up at the break of dawn just to come for one lesson and have three hours break in between. Initially this sounded ‘slack’ but it’s boring. The whole time wasting thing is not helping at all.
Want to hear a story? Want to see my dream?
** ** **
What should I do now? I mean, look at me, what future do I have? I know I have a rough picture but is that what I really want to be? All my life before her was filled with anger and hate. And now she came, and I tasted a pinch of heaven while drenched in a pool of hell. What now? When will all this stop? This midnight awakening, yearning to be loved and the hope for a brighter future. Listen to me Anna, I sounded positive, someone who has hope. I wasn’t like that three years ago. She then came and changed everything, a little reboot to my system and now I’m grateful I am who I am. I can feel that disappearing now. The magic in me is disappearing. I’m getting heartless over this belief that feelings and emotions are all temporary and actions are permanent. I gave up totally on love and hope, anger and hate at the same time. So what now? You’ve befriended a living zombie Anna. And I can’t let this go on.
She stepped an inch closer, I felt disturbed at first but soon the chilly wind from the west blew her green angelic hair and I caught a scent from the heavens.
Listen to me; I know it’s hard for you right now, having to face this all alone. You stare out of the window every single night looking up in the moon, just wondering over things you love to ponder. Why can’t you accept that this is you? You are this guy I see before me, who loves to see things in his own point of view. Who loves to ponder over life’s simplest things and see complex outcomes. All your life you wanted to be unique. You prayed to be special. But why can’t you see that you are special, unique and just as perfect to me as to anybody else?
A moment of silence hatched between us. Our attention was paid starring at the sunset by the meadow. The butterflies with yellow-blue wings fly off back to the heavens above. That’s where they belong. The orange aura blends in perfectly with the indigo-violet clouds that slowly and gradually flows down to tinted blue.
Because I am not special. I am not unique. And I am not perfect. What’s there to see Anna? Here I am, enjoying this sunset with you, in this place with you. And all this, this isn’t real. They are all in my head. A world I create to make myself feel better. I create you to make myself feel better. You’re no angel, you’re no spirit. You’re just an imaginary friend. And that was what she told me to have. And imaginary girlfriend like you. But I have to admit Anna it’s not the same. Things change. The world I know it, this world, this meadow, this sunset, these butterflies, these clouds and you, they are all going to disappear one day. And I will be alone for real. In reality and in my fantasy. And nothing anyone can do to change that now. I’m sorry if I offend you, for all I know you might be real but I just don’t believe anymore.
I have to go my love, and I promise you, I’ll see you again.
She stood up from the spot we were sitting on and moved a few steps back. The wind blew and she disappeared through thin air behind my back. There I was alone, watching as the day waves its final goodbyes and the night grins a dark welcome. The sky as I know it, turned red and moments later it was midnight black. Stars roamed the sky and grey clouds passes by just like flocks of birds flying home.
Thunder than struck and stormy wind blew.
Welcome, a grin grew on my face, Gabriel.
With wings blazed with fire from hell, the meadow slowly dies for every step he takes is the step of death.
Who knew, you turn out to be a demon after all. This would be interesting...
** ** **
To be continued. That’s a glimpse of my fantasy.
Labels: personal
Thursday, July 09, 2009
~ 00:06:00 ~
Adenine Take a second and look up in the sky
Oh how I wish I could fly
How I wish I could bring you up high
And look right into your eye
And break to tears as we cry
Over the past that we defy
The past we forget and deny
How I wish I didn’t reply
To that lie
I wish I wasn’t shy
Oh Why
Oh Why
Oh Why
Oh why would I even try
It’s already July
I’m running out of supply
He’s such a lucky guy
And I’m running dry
Sigh...
If only... I could fly
- Mellowship misses somebody so much.
Labels: poems
Friday, July 03, 2009
~ 23:31:00 ~
Dilectio Is it me? Or are the sunsets getting noteworthy by the day. The orange aura shinning all the way through the somewhat indigo clouds to tinted blue. Oh such beauty. Oh how wonderful life can sometimes be despite the thunder clouds that occasionally hover above your heads.
Exams are around the corner. But why am I still slacking? I have no idea. I have this strange strong feeling deep inside me that somehow, I might regret this somewhere in the future. Oh my, study hard lad, you have a future to brighten.
Some random thoughts in my mind I have to let out.
Every one of us is manufactured to destroy. It is embedded in our soul the urge for destructions. Our systems are programmed to annihilate and exterminate everything. We are the destroyer and that’s our purpose. Our nature and we cannot fight that.
It is in us greed, hunger for power, self indulgence to money and supremacy. People who are gifted with the intellect beyond an average man use it to create and recreate destructive mechanism to destroy one another. From grenades to bombs and from nuclear to hydrogen bombs. We slowly create to destroy. Such irony. And soon, with a push of a button, the world collapse in its own hands.
Guns were made into toys to play around with. Since young we feed our kid’s mind with destructive thoughts. Die! They screamed to their fellow friends as they shoot each other. Innocent play game one might argue, but why?
Wars were initiated because of the greed for power and money. And millions of innocent people fought for their country and died. Die in honour? Or die in vain?
Freedom they fight for, not knowing it’s already there, they just have to search in the other direction.
Peace they yearn and pray for, not knowing it’s already given as a choice but they choose the other.
And me? I’m forced to serve National Service, trained to hold a rifle and take someone’s life away.
In time of need... will I?
Labels: personal
Monday, June 29, 2009
~ 22:17:00 ~
Bereavement The most emotional song piercing my soul waking me up from this endless nightmare. With shivering hands I gasp for air reaching out for warmth. Where? This mountain gets higher and higher. This valley goes deeper and deeper. Where do I go now?
But nothing seems to change.
Where are we now? I’ve lost. Defeated. Beaten. And left to recover alone. And yet, I survived with some of the most painful permanent scars there ever was. Embedded on my soul and never to be removed. These scars I bear with me, burdens from my past teach me lessons I should not forget.
Look into my eyes. What do you see? These windows to my soul. Look into it carefully and tell me what do you see? Hate. Anger. Frustration. Pain. What happen to all the happiness I once knew? What happen to all the joy that sparkles?
The sun sets and it will rise again. I will find my warmth again. I will find my happiness once again. I will stand up and fight. I will fight! I will follow you down to the deepest depths of hell and fight. Watch me get up to my two weak feeble feet every time you shove me down. I will bounce back. Read my dry peeling lips, I WILL FIGHT!
May the spirits of Olympus and Abyssus bear witness to this Epic battle.
Labels: personal
Sunday, June 28, 2009
~ 22:23:00 ~
The Unforgiven- Metallica
Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you
Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining
[Chorus]
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, just turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
Yeah
What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?
Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there
[Chorus]
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?
What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?
[Solo]
Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it
[Chorus]
What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, just turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you
What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, cause I'm the one who waits
The one who waits for you
Oh, what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, just turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you
Oh, what I've felt
Oh, what I've known
I take this key (never free)
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too!
Never free
Never me
Because you're unforgiven too..
Oo-Oh-Oo
Today could possibly the brightest problem free day I’ve ever had in many months.
Friday, June 26, 2009
~ 20:58:00 ~
MortalitasTo the heavens above, I seek for help, to hell below they sent me.
What is wrong with me?
What is my problem?
The vigorous mood swings had just turned red. Started the day high and tired. Went to Qal’s house before prayers and I can literally feel that anxiety beating my heart away. After prayers, all that turned red.
Anger. Everywhere I turn, I see people I want to kill. Exterminate. Including the one that’s looking right into my eye when I stare in the mirror.
Why am I feeling this way? It’s frustrating not being able to understand your own current state.
There was this once, on the bus on the way home. I saw this kid sitting beside me. Small cute boy around the age of six I assume. And all I could think of is choking him until his pale brown face turn blue and his innocent eyes pop out.
I was mute today. My thoughts were just too overwhelming to describe. I wasn’t really paying any attention to my surroundings and that annoyed my friends, I can tell. The call me, and I didn’t answer them. They were talking to me without me realising it. (Not just now, that was done on purpose)
So what were my thoughts? What are you thinking off that can make you so low?
Ever wondered what the world will be like if I wasn’t born?
The world will be a better place to live. Less grey and black and filled with joy and laughter. I am a pollutant, a leech, a parasite in everybody’s life I touch.
If I wasn’t born, honestly how great would life be. Want me to list?
Ira ego sentio, nex ego esurio
If I wasn’t born,
More resources could be invested in other things in life.
There will not be any emo aura I radiated to the people around me.
People I’ve hurt will not have to feel guilty over anything.
People I’ve hurt wouldn’t be hurt in the first place.
The grey sky I see now might just be blue.
The whole world would be a better place if I wasn’t born.
Ira ego sentio, nex ego esurio
Labels: personal
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
~ 21:35:00 ~
AdjournWhat the hell is wrong with me?
Last night I was high, couldn’t sleep till five in the morning, and wake up around noon and high again. I don’t get it? Why am I so high? High as in drug high!! I don’t understand!!
Something strange is happening to me. One moment I was freaking high, and then I was angry, frustrated and hot-headed for no apparent reason, and then come sadness followed by demonic thoughts of killing random people and then, nothing. My mind just went blank, before I went high again.
What is wrong with me???
IM HIGH NOW!!! BRING THE DEMONS AND LETS PARTY!!!!!!!
I’ve procrastinated everything! Not a single work done. Every day is a new day and I keep wasting it....
I wouldn’t be surprised if I would die the next second coughing. It would be a funny way to die.
He coughs and coughs and coughs and silence....
Labels: personal
Monday, June 22, 2009
~ 23:41:00 ~
Fraternity
Every single one of us is like a puzzle piece. As individuals we are meaningless, clueless and full of questions. But together and only together will we find the true meaning of our existence. Only together will we see the bigger picture, that we are all connected. From one end of the puzzle to the other, we are all connected to each other. Revealing the bigger picture. Answering the many questions and understanding our purpose in life.
The engine to this car of mine just wouldn’t want to start. I have tons of work to do. The list adds on and none erased. I have to start on mugging, homework, assignments, practical reports and projects. So while desperate to find a way to start, I asked Qal if he wanted to tag along and study at the airport. Just like old times sake. Joining us would be Zat, Az, Fan, Tul and Ful. All initials.
After a fruitful mathematical day, we decided to settle down on the floor of terminal three’s viewing mall and complete a five hundred piece puzzle of an oil rig. Why? The exact question I asked myself. I was 90% quiet throughout the whole process. Ten percent were spend singing along and discussing on pieces. In that ninety percent of silence, I learned a lot.
Life is like a puzzle game. All answers are there, you just have to know which belongs where.
Every beginning has its own end. And every end ignites a new beginning.
Freshly cracked from shells of its cocoon, the butterfly flaps its newly developed wings and flies into the open space. Life is no longer boxed around the feeding habits of a caterpillar; he now has better wider things to do.
I visited Anna’s home in those sweet dreams of mine. Housed among the mountainous valley where the sun shines right through. A nearby meadow filled with brightly coloured butterflies whose wings are tinted yellow and blue.
Back from visiting those heavens as I lay alone under the clear midnight sky.
What would I do if I have not found you Anna?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
~ 20:53:00 ~
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no
What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
~ 18:16:00 ~
Vocation Let’s list down all the things I have to do
• Physical Chemistry Lab Report (2 graphs)
• Micro A Lab report
• DMD Poster Design
• Physical Chemistry Project
• Microbiology Project
• Communication Skills Project
• Revision for Common Test (Microbiology A)
• Revision for Common Test (Physical Chemistry)
• Revision for Common Test (Inorganic Chemistry)
• Revision for Common Test (Mathematics for Life Sciences)
So these are the things I have to do before the holidays are over. Time to get busy busy busy....
Labels: personal
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
~ 19:06:00 ~
Liberate If this is the life, would you want to live it?
Holidays have finally begun and we start it kicking with Class chalet from fellow classmates of the much missed 4e3’08. Though a lot of people didn’t turn up, it’s still fun. If only I could leave everything behind and forget it all. But do I really want to forget?
It’s time for a change. It’s time to turn and look around. Time to let it all go. Time to do and not talk. Time to act!
Had my own spirit walk with Gabriel and Ann. They roamed in my head, taking me away to a land I never knew exist. To a place, where everything seems fine. It comes to a point where what happens to me next doesn’t really matter anymore. I don’t mind being dead this very second. Praying for him to take my life away isn’t helping at all.
I want to turn back time. I want to dream once more. I want to feel alive and worth living. I want be some significance in someone’s life. I would bet my life, I disappear now, I die now, no one would even bother taking note.
I’m going to stop soul searching for some soul when I know, I just can’t find it. Time to just make do with everything I have. Time to just be a zombie, but hey, no one cares remember?
It feels good somehow; I think I have set everything free. The ache is disappearing by the minute. So are you from my life. I should get better soon. So, that’s what falling in love feels like. A pinch of heaven followed by cupfuls of hell. Blend it and you get a red heart.
I am not everything you thought I would be
But everything I do they’re not for me
I give you that key to that cage and set you free
Now fly along and be happy no one’s stopping thee.
- Mellowship
But something for certain, I will not be the same.
Labels: personal
Friday, June 12, 2009
~ 22:43:00 ~
MutilateTake a deep breath and check reality. Is it a dream? No, it’s not a dream. This is real, the day we’ve all been waiting for.
The holidays are finally here. Time to take a break from school and end the first term. So, that was poly life huh. Time to reflect clear, what have he got himself into? Diploma in Molecular Biotechnology. A dream course he once said. A dream thing he once knew. But has all interest gone? Have he stopped believing?
Of course not, on the contrary, studies are that one thing he did right this term. Failing everything else including social screw ups, friendship disappearance and hellfire nightmares that haunts him day by day. But studies are the one thing he has left to enjoy. Let’s finish what he came to do.
With the help of the best bunch of people you have yet to know for only eight weeks of school. The classmates that have held him up and face through his day by day basis saving his life, whenever he is feeling down, there’s always smiles in the class that shines right through.
Where is his soul? Is he still searching for it? Indeed he agrees his lost soul could be lost forever. But don’t give up his friends plead. Will he hang on?
He’s feeling better everybody; he’s feeling better by the day. But his happiness is limited only to the fantasies that cloud him. How long could he pretend that everything is alright? How long can he stand this lie?
Is he really okay?
Enough with writing in a third person view.
Oh, how I missed my old home so much. Though I’m getting use to this new house, I’m feeling lonelier. While unpacking, I manage to recall more memories that I have carried along with me. The small little notes that melts my heart all the time. The pretty little drawing that I’ll always remember. The little things that defines my life.
I have been a major pain to everybody lately aren’t I?
Agree with me not because I’m insane but because it’s the fact. I have been a major pain in that rear end of yours, of everybody haven’t I?
I wish to turn back time.
But as a student of science, I come to realise the impossibility of that happening.
You have no idea how powerful you are...
Don’t deny it, I miss you so much, I can’t help it.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
~ 20:51:00 ~
Desolate Waking up without you
It doesn't feel right
To sleep with only memories
It's harder every night
Tonight I'm reaching out to the stars
I think that he owes me a favour
I've got the feeling that this will never cease
Living in these pictures
It never comes with ease
Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars
He knows he owes me a favour
-Alone in this bed
Sigh... Well I guess this is life. I guess some people just have to drag their life day by day. Hurt or not it doesn’t matter anymore. It comes to a point where you get so numb, nothing matters. And there’s nothing you can do but to go ahead and live your life, trying your best to be happy, and isolate these disastrous feeling.
If only I could turn back time. If only there is a way to turn back time to fix everything from the start. I bet everyone would like a change to erase some bad parts from the drawing of life. But there’s no erasers in life. A mistake will be permanent.
I couldn’t say much anymore. There’s nothing much to say left. The soul waves his final goodbyes. And the zombie has arrived to take over this soulless body.
Everything I do, I do for you.
But now, everything I do seems meaningless.
Can I pull it through?
All the unwanted emotions I’m dying to suppress.
I cannot take this anymore
Every breathe I take poisoned with memories
And it makes me all sore
Here comes the spirits, it time for war.
- Mellowship’s downright beaten...
Listen to the new songs. Pages and Alone in this bed to fully comprehend what I’m feeling right now.
Labels: personal
Sunday, June 07, 2009
~ 00:01:00 ~
Upheaval Do you remember how this year started?
2009 has been a year of first times thus far. In a negative way of course. First time being broken to pieces, first time having to let go so many things within a short period of time, first time entering a school so cool, yet find yourself soulless day by day.
First times are difficult to overcome. One needs experience to know what to do next, what is the right feeling to feel, normality of the situation. However, in first times, things don’t go so well, simply because one just doesn’t know what to do next, hence feeling lost and lonely. Broken and shattered.
What’s normal?
Is waking up every single day feeling wasted and lost to the greeting of the jovial sun normal? Thinking of that one and only thing that defines your life, missing for good normal? Feel depressed over the cheery things in life, but no one to share this joyful happiness with normal?
I’m turning into someone I’m not. Someone who I despise for years. I’m slowly being recruited into the black parade. I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t help it. Be happy, be cheerful, be joyous they all say. But how? You think it’s my god forsaken choice to be the way I am right now?
Anyone have a map to this jungle I’m in?
I’m just an innocent boy looking for help. Who would give me some pain killers? What have I done wrong to deserve this? Have I not been nice? Haven’t I resist all temptation to do bad things? I don’t smoke, neither do I drink. But you are making it so difficult for me to believe in you, god. You are showing me, that doing good, receive nothing in return. So should I continue? Or should I be like the rest? And express and enjoy everything in life. Prove of heaven?
I did mention of letting go so many things in such a short period of time. I moved house couple of days ago. Still busy unpacking. No longer am I a residence of the place I was in for seventeen years. All my ups and downs are left behind under the shelter of my previous home. Time for a new start. And this is how I begin my new journey.
I miss it, everything that I once have. That sunset view that welcomes me home after a rough day. That sunrise view that smile at me to a new day ahead. And the moon who keeps me company when I’m all alone thinking of you.
I spend my last hours staring at that view I once stood talking to you on the phone. Reminiscing everything that happened to me since I was born. Pictures of young me, running around the corridor pretending I was a SWAT team leader. Playing water gun with little brother and got the whole corridor wet. And the heart pounding moments when I talked to you on the phone. Everything came back, and I slowly let them go, one by one. Painful as it is, I will never forget the good times this shelter of love and hope have brought me.
I miss you so much...
Labels: personal
Saturday, May 30, 2009
~ 22:10:00 ~
Resuscitation Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
- Like a knife – Secondhand Serenade
That song, from that band, is all I need to feel like I’m not the only one facing this nightmare. Are you tired? Tired of waking up every single day, breathing the stale air, thinking of nothing else. Tired of dragging yourself to school every single day just hoping for miracles to happen?
Will there be a tomorrow? Would I want a tomorrow, for all it brings to life, is false hope, and distinct nightmares of yesterdays. Would I even consider a tomorrow?
What is wrong with me?
Boy, how I wish I could answer the question. Well, still figuring out i guess.
All my life I wanted to be different, to be unique from anybody else. Yet I see similarities between me and some fuckup somewhere. Failures in things we want to accomplish.
I guess the one thing that I believe I’m right;
Some people are just meant to feel alone, be alone, and alone.
Enough SU! He shouted a painful screech. My angel’s angry.
Annabella, you’re my only hope.
Labels: personal
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
~ 22:47:00 ~
IncapacitatedHe fingers the keyboard reminiscing into pass memories, seduced by his favourite artist singing, let a huge sigh out, oh what a waste.
He shuts his eyes tight, hoping for a taste of a second of the past. Where dreams are believable and achievable. A place where it’s warm inside. Where life is worth living. A body with a loving soul. And all seems lost. All seems to be disappearing. The dreams shattered. The air sulky and dry. The body, soulless. How sad, if only I could relive those days.
Why might just not be the answer I’m looking for.
Anyways, I finally have Adobe Fireworks CS3!! But I don’t know how to use. How sad is that? Anyone knows how to use? Can give me tips and tutorials?
Playing around with Photoshop is fun! Maybe, I’ll upload all the pictures that I’ve edited some day. I never regretted joining Digital Media as an elective.
A little hope at the end of the dark tunnel I must say. Something incredible happened! I was in library, and I was attempting the first question on the Math book. I take a good look at it, and boom! I did it. The answer was correct. And it’s a LOG QUESTION!!! During Math tutorial, the tutor throws a question to the floor, and I try to solve it, and after quiet some time, I got the answer. Very odd. Yet I checked with a friend of mine, and he got the same answer!!! I smiled to myself, boy, you are surprising at times. Quiet a tough LOG question I must say. Nevertheless, I have proved to myself that I can do it! Now, math became fun! Can’t wait to try more and more and more questions, and slowly pawned them one by one!
I’m incapacitated. Anyone care to revive me?
Labels: personal
Sunday, May 24, 2009
~ 20:49:00 ~
RemedyJust when you think the road is going nowhere. Just when you almost gave up all your dreams, your heart chooses to urge. Your heart chooses to yearn. And you find happiness, you find contentment. Remedy for the broken, the beaten and the dammed.
Yearning to play soccer for a long time now, and decided to play at an artificial pitch located at Pasir Ris Primary School. Upon reaching, stumbled on familiar faces, marvel heroes to this broken city of mine. Angel persona where one will always smile and laugh, despite all the problems one faces. A drug that makes you forget. A remedy for the wrecked and crushed.
I find that lack in my fitness is a milestone problem. I can’t run or sprint anymore. I have not been doing such running for quite some time now. And it really shows when you started to play. Soccer has been the sport I played, but I guess every start has its end? Degrading fitness is a hurdle to jump over.
Fulfilled all urges and desire for some balls kicking and finally we make a move to lunch. And that’s where life begins. Like a light finally shone from the end of the dark tunnel. We crapped for four long hours in MacDonald’s and that’s when I felt that one thing I missed, my old self. I can feel a glimpse of happiness, of contentment, of glee for that period of time.
Those four hours, my heart stop aching, and I felt like I knew this me now. Have I found you my little soul, or do you just come by just to visit. The scars are permanent. But will you come to stay?
I missed schooling in Junyuan. All memories keep coming in from every corner of my room. OBS, the crappy time we had during the long Kayak, Japan trip, the shopping frenzy! Sleeping in physic class? The construction site view at the back of the class. That pencil box pillow of mine. That little notes received, which I still keep for god knows why. And it keeps coming back. Every word, every smell, every sound, every sight, I remembered them all. Do you?
Seduce me, Adam Lambert with that vocal power of yours.
Labels: personal
Saturday, May 23, 2009
~ 17:26:00 ~
LimitationsDespair, is all I could think off.
Heartache is all I could feel
Every day, life’s getting tough
All that we’ve done, were they real?
It’s too late
I’ve close the gate
To this shattered soul of mine,
To this broken heart that no longer shine.
Unachievable dreams
And so it seems
- Mellowship
It’s over. Conclusion written and pages flipped. This marked the end to this dramatic chapter. Who says there are happy ending? Myths, they shouted. No happy endings for you this time. You have ONE life; you have to live it well. Spend the next second pondering over myths and lies, or spend it wisely thinking of other fruitful things. You choose. In the end, it’s your life isn’t it?
So what should I do now? Sitting by the corner alone, with glue and tape, slowly taping and fixing this broken shattered glass of mine. Slowly, like a puzzle piece, I put them one by one and tape them up. Just like what I might have done to you, I guess.
No boundaries?
Listen to that song sung by the supposed to win, Adam Lambert.
Labels: personal
Friday, May 22, 2009
~ 00:01:00 ~
RedemptionThere are nearly seven billion people on this planet. Each one unique. Different. What are the chances of that? And why? Is it simply biology, physiology that determines this diversity? A collection of thoughts, memories, experiences that carve out our own special place? Or is it something more than this? Perhaps there's a master plan that drives the randomness of creation. Something unknowable that dwells in the soul, and presents each one of us with a unique set of challenges that will help us discover who we really are.
We are all connected. Joined together by an invisible thread, infinite in its potential and fragile in its design. Yet while connected, we are also merely individuals. Empty vessels to be filled with infinite possibilities. An assortment of thoughts, beliefs. A collection of disjointed memories and experiences. Can I be me without this? Can you be you? And if this invisible thread that holds us together were to sever, to cease, what then? What would become of billions of lone, disconnected souls? Therein lies the great quest of our lives. To find. To connect. To hold on. For when our hearts are pure, and our thoughts in line, we are all truly one. Capable of repairing our fragile world, and creating a universe of infinite possibilities.
-Heroes
Need I not mention Heroes’ pure literature?
Though, they were barely audible, her action speaks volumes. There is a leak in this aching heart of mine, and it seems as though anything that enters, just leave. Will I ever fix myself up? It's harder to do it on yourself than to do it on others. Did I ever?
Define busy? Is it being actively and attentively engaged in work?
Does that mean that being busy only shows a weakness of poor time management?
Well, I’m not busy, now. But I guess some people are always busy. Always having something to do. Always on their toes trying so hard to reach a certain destination, yet they all forgot how to enjoy the journey getting there.
Waste my life away, I will.
Waste it all away, for I have nothing left.
Despite those efforts, it still spills
All those feelings stolen like a theft.
- Mellowship
I won’t bother; I won’t care, for I have found enough reasons to let myself go. I know enough, to ease some of the pain away. Enough to live on. No more nice guy. No more good guy.
NO WONDER ALL GUYS ARE JERKS!!!
Labels: personal
Monday, May 18, 2009
~ 22:57:00 ~
Crestfallen It’s funny how I checked my inbox; I still kept those old messages, reading it, smiling to myself, and then scowl... Lies she whispered. Is she really?
There’s no easy way out in this. You get yourself in it; you have to get yourself out. It’s too late, she whispers. Nothing you do can bring your past back. True, I nodded. But I’m giving in. It’s my fault. It’s my entire fault in the first place. So why am I still hurt?
How to cure this ache of mine?
No Surprise!
Time to take the glue and fix myself up. I’m good at that I think.
Can I please say my last goodbyes.
Labels: personal
Sunday, May 17, 2009
~ 10:27:00 ~
Bamboozled It’s has always been questions asked, never answers given. And with much hope, with much patients. It comes, the answers, with millions more questions along with it. Will it ever end? This never ending cycle of questions and answers? Will I survive? Am I strong enough? Will I get through? Will I? Will I? Will I?
And despite the pain, the ache, the midnight beatings from demons and angels and my head, no one is to be blamed but me. Nope it’s not your fault, one who always provides controversial whispers. No it’s not your fault, one who tries so hard to fight those whispers back. No it’s not your fault, the creator, please forgive me. No it’s not your fault, those who seek happiness in other people’s misery. No it’s not your fault. It’s mine.
Funny how at times when you longed and yearn for something, you actually get it. I finally get to meet best peeps and hang out in Changi Airport. It’s to celebrate three belated birthdays and boy isn’t it just so cute and thoughtful. Thank you guys! Regardless of that negativity, there are some people in this god forsaken world who still cares. Thank You So Much!
I woke up today, having one of the most painful goodbyes dreams I ever had. Won’t go into details on that.
Because at the end of the day, we all have to choose. Do you want to be hurt? Or do you want the truth.
Labels: personal
Friday, May 15, 2009
~ 22:41:00 ~
Ubiquitously Where are you, my little soul? Where have you disappeared? Leaving me breathless without you. I’m empty, without you, soul. Why did you leave me? Why did you die? Where are you, my little soul, where?
Who are you? This figure I saw in the mirror. You look like me, but I don’t know you. Who are you? Where is my soul? Have you seen him? Why are you here? I don’t like you. Go away and give me back my soul. I want my old self. I need him. He has all my dreams, my sweet honey coated candy. He’s the cure to this broken aching heart of mine. I want him back!
I miss my secondary school times. The times, where my life felt so real. Where my dreams felt achievable. I miss it much. I miss my childhood friends. The mould to this fragile soul of mine. They are the reason, who I am then. But now? All seems gone. Because you’re gone I guess. You meant a lot to me.
And I’ll turn back time to change it all. I’ll turn back time to bring my soul back. I’ll turn back time, to be with you again. To feel those dreams coming true. The best times in my life. My first times.
But I guess all I can do is dream of the memories.
Check the new songs. I really miss you
Labels: personal
~ 01:37:00 ~
PreconceptionOh Sylar, how I wish I was you. How I wish I could think like you. How I wish I can do what you can do. How I could only dream of living your life. Yet there is only one thing I would want to change. I would hide my powers and do it for good.
Yes, I’ve chosen not to do crazy things anymore. I don’t want to smoke or drink or even having the thought of getting high anymore. No more whispers, no more shouting, no more tears. I guess this is the way I want to be. I guess this is what I am.
Yet there is only one thing I miss the most. My old self. I can’t find it anywhere. Ever since I came to Nanyang, I’ve made an impression that I’m always emo and stuff. I guess I could only regret that they won’t know the real me, or is this the new me?
I miss it, the times where I am myself, so ever knowing what I want to be, how it all planned out. I miss those times when I close my eyes, and angels all I see, sweet dreams shined on me keeping me warm with love and hope.
But it’s all gone now, everything’s all disappearing. The sweet dreams, the ever so wonderful spirits in my room. They all disappear and I’m all alone. Now, I sleep alone and reality leaves me to be.
And I miss you. All the time, things change. I’m full of false hope and I’m not the same anymore. I’m alone, and I’ll always be. I knew from the beginning, and I knew it now. That some people are just meant to be alone. Some people including me
.
You gave me this dream. Every time I’m around you, things happen. And now, I’ve woken up. And things came crashing down. That’s life, never fair, never lovable. Yet this imperfections in life, makes it worth living. There’s no cure to this heart ache, only preventions to not ache no more.
I love you.
Labels: personal
Monday, May 11, 2009
~ 13:58:00 ~
Retribution The light from the heaven shines deep into my lost soul. With eyes ever so weary, I woke up to a new week of school. A lesson needs to be taught only once. Learn it well, and bear in mind, feel the disappointment, and never repeat it. Giving up? What is that phase? Is it possible to place those two words together and find meaning? Who’s giving up?
It’s time for revenge, retribution, vengeance. Time to rain fury, anger, hatred, disappointment, discontentment, annoyance and rage down to those villages of hope and peace. Flood their land and end it all once and for all. Time for a change, time to go to the bad side.
Why be good? What have it done for me? More tests he said, during one of those many questionable lessons. He taught me much, one of which, the good will always be tested. Is it true? Where’s the prove then? Does heaven really exist? Or is our lives a joke to him? For he is the one who decides in the end.
Why be evil? What have others done to you? No test to worry, he said, during one of those seductive whispers. He taught me much, controversial lessons indeed. He made me think, persuade he did, yet he failed. Resilience. Never did he once give up on me. Never did he once stop his utterly disgraceful advice.
If he never gives up on me, why should I?
The good, goes through hell to reach the heavens while the evil goes through heaven reaching hell.
The good, suffer reaching the heavens of peace and love while the evil, enjoys the road to hell.
- Mellowship
I need to choose.
Labels: personal
